How we communicate with our kids is important—how we say it and when we say it and what our body is saying too.
In fact, every message has at least 3 different parts.
- The actual WORDS we say
- The TONE in which we say it
- Our NON-VERBALS (facial expression, body posture, gestures and actions)
Did you know that studies show we pay attention to:
- 7% of what people actually say
- 38% of their tone when they say it and
- 55% of what their body language says?
And for us to actually TRUST the message (and the messenger) all three of these components need to match up in a believable way.
The classic example that all of us parents, as part-time referees of children conflicts, have experienced is the “insincere I’m sorry”. Your child has just grudgingly apologized to someone else, but they said it in a rush, sarcastically or so quietly that no one could hear. Eye contact was non-existent and their body language screams that they are looking for even the smallest excuse to fight some more.
Or maybe it was you or your spouse with this unconvincing apology because you desperately want to avoid further discussion or more conflict. I’ve been there too!
How have you seen this play out in your home? What are some techniques you have learned that help you communicate to your kids through more than just your words?
![It’s Just A Phase So Don’t Miss It [Video]](http://theparentcue.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/ThinkstockPhotos-494237549.jpg)
I’ve really been working on this with my kids recently (boys–12 and 15). Those insincere apologies between my sons are driving me CRAZY! So, I tried something different the other day. Instead of saying “apologize to your brother” and getting the apology-through-gritted-teeth that makes me insane, I went to my son privately after an argument and talked to him about why he owed his brother an apology. I told him that I didn’t want him to apologize right now, but to wait until later when he truly felt sorry and then apologize. Much to my surprise, HE ACTUALLY DID IT!!! He was truly sorry and sincere…and it made such a huge difference. Of course, that was just once…but I’m hopeful that we’re on to something here!
I think as parents we sometimes fall into the trap of communicating to our children what they have to say doesn’t really make a difference. We may hear their words, but how many times are we still staring at a computer screen, or watching tv.
I make it a priority to stop what I’m doing to give my kids my full attention, but still find myself falling into that trap from time to time still.
I always need the reminder it’s more than just the words.
As our children get older (11 and 13), we have realized the need for open forum family discussions. We have established these forums once a month. We meet in the living room and we have two rules only – 1. you can’t interrupt someone; and 2. you can say anything you want (no swearing of course) without punishment. We always open and close with prayer.
Both our children have found this helpful and so have my husband and I. We all get a turn to go around the room and communicate in a healthy way what has been bothering us about friends, family, our chores, people not doing their share, etc. There is discussion back and forth and while we many solve all the issues we have found this can keep things from blowing up in an unhealthy manner.
All children just want to be heard.
I’ve really been working on this with my kids recently (boys–12 and 15). Those insincere apologies between my sons are driving me CRAZY! So, I tried something different the other day. Instead of saying “apologize to your brother” and getting the apology-through-gritted-teeth that makes me insane, I went to my son privately after an argument and talked to him about why he owed his brother an apology. I told him that I didn’t want him to apologize right now, but to wait until later when he truly felt sorry and then apologize. Much to my surprise, HE ACTUALLY DID IT!!! He was truly sorry and sincere…and it made such a huge difference. Of course, that was just once…but I’m hopeful that we’re on to something here!