When Your Kids Hate Church

“Dad, I hate our church. I think it is boring and I don’t want to go there again.”

Even though I had heard similar words from my older daughter a few years before, I was definitely not ready to hear the negativity and passion of this statement from our second daughter, Rebecca, then at age 16. My first reaction was to get angry with her. Then I felt myself moving into preaching mode.

But before I said something I knew I’d regret, I took a good look at my daughter. Something was causing this most-of-the-time wonderful kid who sang in the worship band and helped to lead a Fellowship of Christian Athletes huddle to react so strongly.

After taking a few deep breathes, I simply said, “It sounds like something might have happened to make you hate something you liked so much just a few weeks ago.” She blurted out, “Josh and Justin are spreading rumors about me. Plus, I’m bored with the worship.” After separating the statements, I realized Rebecca wasn’t rejecting the idea of church, but rather looking for new ways to deepen her developing faith.

As teens grow more independent, it’s natural for them to want to separate from the family and find their own expressions of faith. At the same time, I believe it’s vitally important for families to worship together.

This is an area where I encourage parents to make their own desires clear. In the years when our adolescent daughters were still at home, we told them that church was not an option. We told them that it was part of our family’s life. We would eat, sleep, go to school, work, and attend church. Sure, like every other American family, we would miss a Sunday or two because of gymnastics championships, soccer tournaments, and other events, but our commitment to participate in the life of the church was a non-negotiable.

Still, we wanted to give our daughters the chance to find additional ways of developing and practicing their faith that were meaningful to them. We expected the girls to participate in one worship service a week and one other faith-based activity. For the most part, it kept arguments about church attendance to a minimum.

If your child is adamant about not attending your church or youth group, encourage her or him to invite a friend to the worship service or to youth retreats and special events. For teens, relationships supersede just about everything else. When I was a youth pastor, I never once had a student ask, “I’m considering going on the retreat but I was wondering what Scripture passages you will be using?” Instead, they’d ask, “Who else is going?” When one of our daughters was feeling left out in her youth group, we helped pay for a friend to join her on one of the group’s outings. They went for the fun but ended up being drawn into the spiritual atmosphere of the group as well.

Of course, youth group isn’t the only option for helping your teen stay involved in faith-based activities. Find out if her or his school has Young Life, Campus Life, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, or any other parachurch ministry. We also told our children that they could join either Cathy or me for a one-on-one Bible study in lieu of another activity. Our girls never took us up on it, but we knew a family where a wayward daughter came back to the Lord through a weekly coffee date and Bible study with her mom.

During the teenage years, it’s also important to empower kids to put their faith into action. It was during these years, I took Rebecca on a mission trip. We served and worked with very poor children in Ecuador. The experience of putting her faith into action caused her to do some very important thinking, and one month after college graduation, she moved to Ecuador to invest a year of her life in working with kids.

No matter what other activities your teen finds for strengthening his or her faith, make church attendance a non-negotiable. When your teen feels like he or she has other options, he or she will be more likely to join your family for the worship service without too much grumbling.