Fighting for the Heart of Our Adopted Son Family

A Year’s Progress

What a year it has been! You can read more about our story on adopting Carlos almost two years ago in an article that was posted last year and the fight for his heart which is so very different than the way we have fought for our other kid’s hearts.

Our youngest son, now 8, has made leaps and bounds in school.

He’s adding not only single digits, but DOUBLE DIGITS, counting by 10’s, reading . . . and much more!

He still struggles finding the balance between following the rules and his need for control. His school still continues to be instrumental in his development and we are truly partnering together in this journey.

Part of the routine with our son at home, and at school, is to remind him he’s safe with us while enforcing boundaries at the same time.

Underlying Tensions

What we didn’t realize along the way was how our reactions towards him, when he didn’t fall in line with the boundaries, was affecting our biological children. It wasn’t anything extreme by any means. It was a look or a tone of disapproval which can be felt from miles away.

Over time, our oldest son was having minor outbursts towards his little brother. He was so upset every time his brother crossed a boundary and the action had to result in a consequence. He also became visibly upset when I was affected by the testing of boundaries.

As the tensions arose in our home, I began to look inward to see how I might be able to “fix it.”

#MomMode, am-I-right?

Faulty Expectations

As I examined the dynamics of our home, I came to the conclusion that I myself may be a culprit. If I’m being completely honest with myself and with you, I expect perfection from those closest to me. I was expecting perfection from my biological children and how they reacted towards their little brother. But even I could not live up to those standards.

How can I ask my biological children to remember their brothers’ past when responding to him, if I couldn’t?

How can I ask them to be patient with him when he interrupts conversation, if I couldn’t?

How can I expect them to be patient as they repeat themselves over and over again, if I couldn’t?

I had to do some soul-searching way deep down into the “ugly feels” and be willing to lay down my cross for the benefit of my family. I had to pick up a cross which portrayed love, patience, peace, and kindness.

All of the above had to reign higher than my absolute need for structure, respect, and change. I have to stay the course no matter how hard it may be.

This Season’s Fight

The fight this season isn’t just for our adopted son, it is also for our biological children and our family. It is the fight that shows that love rules everything and we cannot accomplish change or healing without it.

This is a fight that starts with leading by example.


For more on this adoption story and others, listen to this podcast.